Ben Talks Cars- Cadillacs

"Your boy, BJR" (jerseyshoreben)
06/04/2014 at 22:34 • Filed to: Ben Talks Cars

Joy of joys! Oppo's resident…..me…..has returned to talk about my utterly hilarious and sometimes pitiful enthusiasm for cars! Welcome to Ben Talks Cars, think of it like a RCR car stories, or whatever, where I loosen up a bit after work and clog up your computer screen with idiocy! Tonight's (not sure if this will be regular, i'd like it to be) topic: Fuckin' Cadillac. Because we !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! how !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! I !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! them. Anyway- Lets begin. I have the weirdest relationship with cadillac. I hate them, think they're an almost but not quite good idea for a luxury car (HRRNHRHRHRNHHNNNNNG LETS MAKE THEM ALL STRAIGHT LINES) and my official opinion of them ranges from complete inattention to mild dislike- meanwhile- I AM FUCKING OBSESSED WITH THEM. They're brash, extravagant, polarizing, somehow they stand out in an imitation game and one of the biggest corporations ever is somehow making their flagship brand the underdog of mainstream luxury (did I mention I wouldn't be sober for this? try to follow along). They are pretty much exactly what America's- not just GM's Flagship brand is. They have a stigma, it seems, of being the sort of wild west gunslinger of the luxury game. The germans are over there trying to be serious, perfectly engineered, and have the best shit that you'd never think of (active seats?!) to the point that they come up with every possible technology, and then overlook the basics (CUPHOLDERS.) Cadillac, meanwhile, is over here pretty much swilling jack daniels and shooting a pistol off, while decked out in the gaudiest western style suit, boots, and hat you can think of, Bringing some much needed fun in the land of stiff upper lips and poise. Here's the thing about cadillac- i feel like since 1949, they just didn't give a fuck, and deciding that flying cars were a lost cause, just decided that they should look like they fly. They took a break for about 30 years or so to be pretty much houses on wheels (in size and comfort) But are right back to making cars that look like they came from the past's future.

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Look at those. Do you see a single one that looks like it gives even a quarter of a fuck? No. It's big, it's glamorous, and its letting you know HI. I COST WAY MORE MONEY THAN I SHOULD HAVE. SUCK MUH DIIIIIIICK. And that, that is what it's all about. It's not all about how much math has gone into the car's LASER CLIMATE CONTROL, It's about whose balls are slapping that cute barrista's ass harder at the end of the day after making sex eyes over your coffee exchange. You want to be the best on paper and put fucking everything you got into being theoretically perfect, or do you want to be the flawed but fun son of a bitch who everyone wants at their parties. Which is it- committee meetings, or doing sake shots at that hibachi place that has a stream running through it with the investors from kyoto. Your call. Although not perfect, these cars sure are something special. Something about a caddy gets the blood flowing just right.

DISCUSSION (23)

Vince-The Roadside Mechanic > Your boy, BJR
06/04/2014 at 22:36

WTF did I just read?

Your boy, BJR > Vince-The Roadside Mechanic
06/04/2014 at 22:38

Ben Talks Cars.

Vince-The Roadside Mechanic > Your boy, BJR
06/04/2014 at 22:40

But I now feel dumber, were you high when you wrote this?

Your boy, BJR > Vince-The Roadside Mechanic
06/04/2014 at 22:41

Nope. I'm a little buzzed. That's what this is. Just, short little writings on cars.

Vince-The Roadside Mechanic > Your boy, BJR
06/04/2014 at 22:42

Why are you constantly buzzed, high, or drunk?

Logansteno: Bought a VW? > Your boy, BJR
06/04/2014 at 22:43

This is... the perfect description of Cadillac. Like oh my god spot on.

Your boy, BJR > Vince-The Roadside Mechanic
06/04/2014 at 22:46

Kinja'd!!!

Writers gotta write.

Vince-The Roadside Mechanic > Your boy, BJR
06/04/2014 at 22:47

But still Why is your life that painful?

Your boy, BJR > Vince-The Roadside Mechanic
06/04/2014 at 22:50

Probably several issues leading to depression, maybe I just like to party, maybe mild psychosis. Anyone's call.

My biological grandfather (who I never met, although he's still alive) Is a gambling, narcotics, tobacco, alcohol, and general chaos addict. Maybe it's genetics.

Or, maybe I'm just a college kid with no real future planned out so I'm having fun before I have to join society.

Like I said. Anyone's call.

Vince-The Roadside Mechanic > Your boy, BJR
06/04/2014 at 22:51

I took a psychology class mind if I try to help?

Your boy, BJR > Vince-The Roadside Mechanic
06/04/2014 at 22:52

A tad. but If you really think you have something concrete, shoot.

Vince-The Roadside Mechanic > Your boy, BJR
06/04/2014 at 22:54

Well I first have to ask some questions.

1-Do you think your grandfather's life is good/in control.

2-Why are you depressed?

Your boy, BJR > Vince-The Roadside Mechanic
06/04/2014 at 22:59

I haven't formally met the man, so I can't say

General young adult who grew up poor and was thrust into the upper middle class overnight angst. Am I a good enough marxist, why do i still act like a chid sometimes, why does my stepbrother act like a retorted monkey, is that just rich kid life? Is tha how people see me? I want McDuff back. My dad seems to always be slightly annoyed by me. Why is it so hard for me to establish an emotional connection. WHy am I so protective of my mom? Am I going to turn out like Ed Gein or Norman Bates?

You know, the normal stuff.

cbell04 > Your boy, BJR
06/04/2014 at 23:01

I think we are the same amount buzzed made perfect since.

Kinja'd!!!

Your boy, BJR > Logansteno: Bought a VW?
06/04/2014 at 23:16

http://oppositelock.jalopnik.com/cadillac-a-com…

read this

Logansteno: Bought a VW? > Your boy, BJR
06/04/2014 at 23:18

You sir, understand this company perfectly.

They're so undeniably American. Brash and bold is their style.

Your boy, BJR > Logansteno: Bought a VW?
06/04/2014 at 23:19

http://oppositelock.jalopnik.com/more-on-cadill…

One more, my personal favorite thing i've ever written, but this thing got NO love.

Leadbull > Your boy, BJR
06/05/2014 at 02:36

This made total sense to me.

I'm not even drunk.

Vince-The Roadside Mechanic > Your boy, BJR
06/05/2014 at 11:55

Sorry I couldn't get back to you earlier battery died. So depression is often what leads to drinking and using drugs and it seems your depression/problems are caused by your family.

Now I need to know one more thing and if it is what I think it is I will have something concrete and some advice.

Your boy, BJR > Vince-The Roadside Mechanic
06/05/2014 at 13:23

what is this, 20 questions?

Vince-The Roadside Mechanic > Your boy, BJR
06/05/2014 at 13:42

Sorry, What age were you when your parents got a divorce?

Your boy, BJR > Vince-The Roadside Mechanic
06/05/2014 at 13:45

summer between 6th and 7th grade

Vince-The Roadside Mechanic > Your boy, BJR
06/05/2014 at 14:03

I think I got it!!!

You are protective of your mother because when your father left that is all you had and you clung to her and don't want her to get hurt.

You act like a child because that is when your family was in one piece, you do it because it reminds you of a simpler and happier time when you had your dad and mom together and you were happy.

Your stepbrother who gives a shit that is his deal not yours. If you don't wanna you don't have to deal with him.

Are you good enough/what do people think of me? Who cares people think I am smart but do dumb things and call me an idiot because I do dumb/fun stuff. Do what I do and don't care what others think of you, only your opinion of you counts.

Why is your Dad annoyed with you? I don't know I would have to talk to him and Why do you care, just be you.

Why can't you establish an emotional connection? It is because you are afraid of people leaving you like your father did. You don't want to be left alone only with your mother again that is why you can't establish that connection.

Norman Bates? No, your a good guy from what I know just cut back on drinking and don't do drugs. I have never met a successful person that does drugs.

That is what I say believe it or not it is up to you.